The die is cast! Part II

(continued from our previous post)

The teen-aged emperor Romulus Augustulus surrenders the crown to Odoacer the barbarian

…so after Julian gets killed by the Persians the next emperor Jovian says okay let’s forgive & forget he also stops massacring Christians up next the 2 brothers Valentian I and Valens decide east is east and west is west they split up the Empire for good Valentian I gets the western half and fights the Alemanni, Burgundians, Saxons, Scots, Picts, Ostrogoths, Quadi and Sarmatians until he dies of a burst blood vessel (there was a lot of that going around) Valens gets the eastern half and fights the Huns, Goths, Vandals, Visigoths until he’s killed at the battle of Hadrianople then Valentian I’s son Gratian likes to step out dressed like a Scythian—Scythians, Tartars & Huns: tribes from the Asian steppes—and is assassinated by Maximus who wants to be emperor but is killed by Theodosius I the Great’s soldiers in battle in ad 388 Theodosius I the Great is a really great military leader who defeats all the barbarians and makes peace for awhile he keeps Maximus from killing Valentinian II, too and Christian doctrine is sorted out for instance Theodosius gets rid of Arianism (Arius said Jesus wasn’t divine) and says no more pagan idol-worshiping (saints & relics are okay, though) teen-aged Valentinian II takes over in the west but Arbogastes (a Frank) gives him the coup de grâce as soon as he’s old enough to drive next the usurper Eugenius steps up and Theodosius I’s soldiers kill him Theodosius I’s kid Arcadius is next up in the east but he’s weak sauce and Arcadius’ cabinet runs the show meanwhile in the west Theodosius I’s other kid sleepy Honorius is emperor but General Stilicho has the military power he fights Alaric & his Goths, Vandals, Suevi, Alani and Burgundians but he’s disgraced & executed in 408 the wheels are beginning to come off the Roman Empire: there’s plague, Alaric the Goth sacks Rome and after Alaric dies Honorius makes a treaty with Adolphus who marries Honorius’ sister Placidia there are revolts in Spain and Gaul; the Suevi and Vandals invade Spain; Adolphus gets assassinated; the Merovingian kings start getting Burgundians, Franks and Goths on the same page in Gaul; then everybody in Britain revolts so they’re left to themselves until the Saxons invade ‘em but before that happens Honorius drops dead of dropsy in 423 some guy named John usurps the western throne for 3 years then Placidia’s kid Valentinian III is up even though he’s a kid so Placidia runs things the generals squabble and bicker and there’s a lot of fighting each other as well as fighting the barbarians so Attila the Hun invades Persia, then Gaul, then Italy but dies of a burst blood vessel in 453 (I’m telling you, dying of burst blood vessels was a thing) Valentinian III murders his general Aetius then he gets fresh with Mrs Maximus so Maximus kills him in ad 455 (different Maximus from Theodosius I’s Maximus who was killed in 388), Arcadius’ kid Theodosius II rules the eastern half for a couple of years then his brother-in-law Marcian, on the western side we got Maximus who got fresh with the widowed empress Eudoxia so she got some Vandals to throw rocks at him and he’s killed after that the Vandals sack Rome then Avitus is emperor for a bit then deposed Theodoric II beats the Suevi in Spain then Marjorian takes over in ad 457 after him comes Severus but Ricimer is the real boss after him Anthemius who tried to beat the Vandals but he couldn’t close the deal so Rome is sacked by Ricimer and Anthemius gets killed next up Olybrius then Ricimer dies then Julian Nepos who is assassinated, then Glycerius, finally teen-aged Romulus Augustulus in ad 476—and it’s the end of the Western Roman Empire when he surrenders his crown to Odoacer the barbarian…

Back to the beginning of The Western Civ User’s Guide to Reading & Writing.

One response to “The die is cast! Part II

  1. Pingback: The die is cast! Part III | John Manders' Blog

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